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Rebellious Teens

Rebellious and Defiant Teens

One of the most difficult parenting situations that come up around the world is that of rebellious and defiant teens. It is true that most teenagers rebel to some degree. They are testing their limits, and learning to be individuals. It is only natural to rebel a little bit in order to develop a sense of self. However, asserting individuality and testing the boundaries is a different proposition from outright rebellion and defiance.

Rebellious and defiant teens have a disdain for authority, and show little desire to work with parents, teachers and others. They repeatedly cross the line, and may show outright disrespect, flouting rules constantly, or ignoring your strictures. Dealing with rebellious and defiant teens is difficult, and you can only do your best. Here are some ideas for trying to deal with rebellious and defiant teens:

Do what you can to enforce boundaries

It is important to show your rebellious teenager that there are still rules. This means doing your best to enforce consequences. No, you probably can’t stop him or her from sneaking out the window at night. However, you can take away computer privileges or video games. You can also remove car privileges and make it clear that if your child wants to benefit from the extra, “fun” things you have as a family, he or she needs to be a functioning and respectful part of the family. Try these teen behavior contracts.

Try to avoid big fights

This can be difficult, but you need to try to avoid big fights. Part of the reason that defiant and rebellious teens act out is to get a reaction from you. One of the best things you can do is react calmly. Explain that the poor decision that a teenager has made is resulting in a specific consequence (try to choose consequences that you can actually enforce), and that he or she can earn back your trust.

Big fights over a teenager’s hair or clothes will only put you in a losing position. Calmly state that you do’t approve of something your teen is wearing, saying, or listening to, and leave it at that. If the behavior is offensive, you can enforce consequences.

Be available to talk

Try to be available to talk. Listen to your teenager. If he or she comes to you with a problem, or confesses something he or she did, hold your tongue until he or she is done. While it may be difficult, try to avoid making judging statements. If your teen wants advice, give to him or her candidly and calmly. If he or she is admitting wrong-doing, calmly point out that there is a consequence attached to all such actions, and that it will be enforced. Try to help your teen, or just listen on occasion.

Be clear in your unconditional love

It is difficult, but when dealing with rebellious and defiant teens, you need to be clear about your unconditional love for your teenager. Make sure that you are clear that it is the behavior you do not approve of. Also, do your best to avoid comparisons between your troubled teenager and others. These comparisons will most likely only provoke more efforts to rebel as teens feel unloved.

Continue to invite your troubled teenager to family activities, and express a desire for your child to join the table at meal times. Be sure that you continue to provide the basics of life: Shelter, food and clothing. However, you do need to make it clear that you will not tolerate violence in your home, and that your teen should not endanger anyone else in the family.

Programs for rebellious and defiant teens

If your teenager has become so unmanageable that he or she is engaged in illegal activities, or becoming violent, you might have to look into programs for your teenager. Make it clear that you love your teen, and you want to help him or her, but you can’t have destructive behavior in your home. Programs for rebellious teens can help your teenager learn techniques to manage his or her anger issues and problems. In these cases, your teen might still have problems when he or she gets back from the program, but they might be more manageable.

It can be difficult to know what to do if you have a troubled teenager. You should do what you can to re-establish a good relationship with your teenager, and show that you are concerned and loving. In the end, though, all you can do is try your best, since rebellious and defiant teens make their own decisions.

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Parenting Articles

Struggling Teens

Struggling Teens

The teen years are rife with difficulty. If you think back, it is likely that you will remember your own teen years as times that included painful scenes and a certain level of unhappiness. This is quite natural. Teenagers are dealing with rapidly developing bodies. Growth and development of the kind not seen since the earliest years of childhood are taking place. Even the brain is still developing at rapid rate.

In order for normal teen growth and development to take place, hormones must be released into the body. The hormonal and chemical changes that take place in a teen body can be sources of frustration, confusion and a myriad of other emotions that are normal during the teenage years. With all of this going on inside a teenager, it is little surprise that what goes on outside the body can affect teenagers as well.

Stresses related to schoolwork, extracurricular activities, a possible after school job, social pressures and anxiety about the future can all combine to push a teenager into troubled territory. Teenagers with challenging family situations, or who deal with a major upheaval in life (such as moving or a parent’s job loss), are even more likely to struggle.

Problems common to struggling teens

Struggling teens are those that are having a more difficult adjusting to what is going on in their lives. Struggling teens are beginning to act out undesirable behavior with increasing frequency. A certain amount of anger, withdrawal from family, mild rebellion and tension is to be expected during the teen years. However, struggling teens tend to exhibit such behaviors on an escalating scale. While normal teens might have mood swings and bad days, struggling teens tend to grow progressively worse in their behaviors as the struggles deepen.

Some of the problems that are common to struggling teens include:

  • Hopelessness
  • Depression
  • Anxiety attacks
  • Violence
  • Substance abuse
  • Disdain for authority
  • Withdrawal from all family life
  • Falling grades
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
  • Increase in unsafe sexual activity
  • Drastic change in sleeping habits
  • Change in eating habits, leading to dramatic weight gain or loss 

If you see signs of the above with increasing frequency, there is a good chance that you are dealing with a trouble teenager. It is important to be on the alert for signs that your teenager may be struggling. This is because struggling teens can turn to illegal activities in order to attempt to fulfill some perceived need, or to help them deal with the problems of life.

Another concern is actually to do with health and wellbeing. Not all struggling teens lash out at their parents, becoming rebellious and turning to extreme sports or illegal drugs. Not all struggling teenagers turn physically violent toward others. Indeed, some troubled teens become suicidal, sure that the only way to escape the problems besetting them is to take their own lives. It is vital that you watch for signs of depression in teenagers, since it could lead to death.

Another health concern might be an eating disorder. Some teenagers turn to food for comfort during times of trouble. Overeating can result in a number of health problems now and in the future. The social consequences of rapid weight gain can also contribute to the complication of depression as a teen’s self image plunges. Anorexia is another eating disorder that can cause health problems. Some teenagers deny themselves food, or engage in bulimic behaviors, as a sign of struggle. These disorders come with their own set of health problems, some of which are long term.

The teen years can be tough on everyone. However, as a parent, it is up to you to watch your teenager for signs of struggle. There are programs that are designed to help struggling teens. Check with your local social services to find out about local support programs. You can also look into residential facilities and programs that specialize in helping struggling teens. The important thing, though, is to get help for struggling teens before the problems get completely out of hand and affect a teen’s future.

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Troubled Teen Issues

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is very common in families with more than one child, and it’s part of growing up for most kids, but it can be destructive to families and individuals. Parents can’t stop all sibling rivalry, but they can help make it a learning experience rather than a traumatic one.

Sibling rivalry occurs when siblings fight or act out against each other. Most kids experience sibling rivalry from time to time. Even when they love their siblings they may still have episodes of sibling rivalry as part of the growing up process. There are some common reasons for sibling rivalry in children and teens:

  • They are discovering their own identities and need to establish their independence from family members
  • They have conflicting personalities, such as one sibling who is laid back while the other is very active
  • They feel like one sibling is getting an unfair amount of attention. This can be especially challenging if one sibling has an illness, disability, or other problem that requires more attention
  • They feel like it is unfair that one sibling gets different privileges, such as an older sibling who has more freedom, or a younger child who has fewer chores.
  • They have not yet learned positive ways to solve conflicts
  • They are bored, hungry, or tired
  • There is stress or aggression in the family, such as parents getting a divorce, a teen who fights frequently with parents, or financial problems in the family 

Regardless of the reasons for sibling rivalry, the fighting can cause stress and unhappiness for everyone in the family. Parents may be frustrated not knowing how to react when siblings fight. Some general guidelines for parents while siblings are fighting include:

  • If possible, don’t get involved in the fight and let children resolve their own conflicts unless someone is getting hurt.
  • If you must intervene in the fight, separate the children until they are both calm enough to talk about what happened.
  • Don’t yell at the siblings who are fighting, since this may only escalate the aggression.
  • Don’t assign blame or try to figure out who started it – both siblings were fighting so both are responsible for the conflict.
  • Don’t appear to favor or protect one child.
  • Don’t assume that the younger child is always the victim. Younger children are just as capable of older ones at starting fights, and older siblings still may not have the maturity to handle the situation well. 

Though parents cannot prevent all sibling rivalry, there are things they can do to reduce the frequency and severity of fights, depending on the causes. Some of these things include:

  • Talk to each child alone every day, and tell them that you love them. Even spending ten minutes with a child can reassure them that you care about them and give you a chance to find out what’s going on in their lives.
  • Spend positive time together as a family. Try to eat one meal together every day without the TV, and find time to do fun family activities like playing games or going for walks. This will strengthen family relationships and make kids more willing to work out their problems. Be sure, however, that the activities address the interests of all the children so they don’t feel like they are being forced to participate in one child’s activities.
  • Appreciate each child as an individual, and don’t compare children to their siblings.
  • Hold family meetings to set rules, like no hitting or name-calling, and explain what the consequences will be for any child who breaks these rules, regardless of who starts a conflict. Remind children that they are all part of the family and that you love each of them.
  • Help children to understand that sometimes being fair does not mean being equal. A teenager may have more freedom, but also may have more responsibilities. A child with special needs may get more attention because he or she needs the extra help.
  • Let children and teens have some time and space to themselves, and let them have some special possessions they don’t have to share.
  • If children are fighting over something like a computer game or the TV, create a schedule so each gets equal time using it. Let them know if the fighting continues that whatever they are fighting over will be taken away. Giving each child their own TV or computer may not be a good solution because it doesn’t teach compromise and may lead to family members being isolated in their rooms without supervision or family interaction.
  • Set a good example. When you are angry, don’t yell, throw things, or call others names. If you need help with anger management, don’t hesitate to get help. 

If sibling rivalry is causing serious problems in the family, is physically or emotionally harmful to one or more family members, or is caused by an outside source of stress like parents’ divorce, loss of a job, or an illness in the family, consider getting counseling for your family. Most communities offer low-cost or free family counseling services for families who cannot afford counseling on their own.

Also, be aware of sibling abuse, which is when one sibling is always the victim and is frightened of and being hurt by the other, physically or verbally. This may look different from sibling rivalry because the victim usually won’t fight back or defend him or herself and may become depressed or anxious. Remember that older children and teens can be the victims of younger siblings. In cases of sibling abuse, parents should seek immediate help for both of the siblings.

Sibling Rivalry Sources:

University of Michigan Health System, YourChild Development and Behavior Resources, “Sibling Rivalry” [online]
Nemours, KidsHealth, “Sibling Rivalry” [online]
The Ohio State University Extension, Backpack Buddies, “Understanding Sibling Rivalry” [online]

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Parenting Articles

Single Parenting

Parenting is a hard job, and single parents face extra challenges. Though every family’s situation is unique, there are some tips that single parents can try to overcome some of their challenges.

Some single parent statistics show the prevalence and challenges of single parenting in America:

  • Slightly more than 1 in 4 children in America is being raised by a single parent.
  • About 40% of children born in 2007 were born to unmarried mothers.
  • 23% of kids live with only a mother, 4% live with only a father, and 4% live with neither parent.
  • 3% live with unmarried parents.
  • Black children are the most likely to be raised by a single parent, followed by Hispanic, then white children.
  • Children living with only one parent have financial and educational disadvantages compared to children with both parents, especially if their parent is the mother and if she did not finish high school. 

Parents may be single due to separation, divorce, or death, or they may have never been married. Also, some parents may have a partner who is not able to help with parenting due to a disability or a job that takes them away from their family most of the time. Parents in different situations face different challenges, but in all of these cases it is hard for both the parent and his or her children to parent alone.

Having a single parent can be hard on children and teens, who often wish they could have more of their parents’ attention and may have emotional issues to work through. Though every situation is unique, here are some tips that might help a single parent whose child or teen is struggling:

  • Tell your children every day that you love them.
  • Encourage your children to recognize and express their feelings. Younger kids especially may need help recognizing feelings like sadness, hurt, and fear that can come as a result of the loss of one parent, and teens may also need help dealing with these emotions. Even teens who grew up not knowing their other parent may at times feel a sense of loss over his or her absence. It’s okay to get help from someone else to talk to teens, including a relative, clergy member, or professional counselor.
  • Let teens ask questions and give them honest, age-appropriate answers. Be honest when you don’t know an answer – there are some questions only the absent parent would be able to answer.
  • Don’t say negative things about the absent spouse. This may be very hard, but it’s not good for children or teens to hear one of their parents say bad things about the other, and may lead to feelings of anger. This doesn’t mean a parent should make up good things, but they should refrain from saying bad things.
  • While you may be too busy working and trying to be both mom and dad to spend as much time with your teen as you would like, make time for special activities together. Try to eat at least one meal together as a family every day, even if it’s breakfast or a late dinner. Also, consider finding one time each week that you can set aside as family time to do fun activities together. Activities don’t have to be expensive or elaborate to have a positive impression on teens.
  • If you work in the afternoon when teens are out of school, make sure your teens have somewhere to go and positive activities to do. The time right after school is when teens are most likely to get into trouble, but if they are with a responsible relative or neighbor or in an after school program they are less likely to get into trouble. Summer programs are also available in many communities for times when parents are working while school is not in session.
  • Have clear, consistent rules, and enforce the consequences when the rules are broken. It may be especially tempting for a single parent to “let things slide,” but its very important for teens to have clear rules and consistent consequences.
  • Emphasize the importance of education to your children. Get help for teens who are struggling in school.
  • Do as much as you can to be supportive of teens’ positive activities, like sports or music. You may not be able to be there for every game or performance, but go when you can, and talk to teens about their interests to show that you care.
  • Be patient with teens when you are starting to date again or getting remarried. This can be a difficult process, and it may take time for teens to adjust to it. Keep talking to them about their feelings.
  • Don’t be afraid to seek support for yourself or your teens. Support groups like Parents Without Partners can help single parents feel support. Family and friends can also help, and being involved in community or church groups can relieve loneliness for parents and give teens positive role models.
  • Be aware of signs of depression, aggression, drug or alcohol abuse, or suicidal thoughts and behavior in teens or in yourself. Talk to teens about concerning behavior, and seek counseling if you are still concerned. Many communities have free or low-cost counseling for those who do not have insurance that covers the costs. 

Single Parenting Tips and Single Parent Statistics Sources:

Nemours, KidsHealth, “Tips for Divorcing Parents” [online]
Nemours, KidsHealth, “Living with a Single Parent” [online]
U.S. Bureau of the Census, Census Brief, “Children with single parents – how they fare” [online]
Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, “America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-being, 2009” [online]

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Parenting Articles

Parenting Teens

F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules / Positive Parenting with a Plan was developed by Dr. Matthew Johnson, a licensed psychologist in Oregon.

Dr. Johnson’s book has some excellent tools for parenting teens and developing family rules in your household. We will feature more from his book soon, but here is some quick ideas to get you on your way.

The Seven Cardinal Sins of Teen Parenting :

1. Talking Too Much (nagging, lecturing, etc)
2. Tirades and Temper Tantrums
3. Tears (sadness and guilt trips)
4. Terror (threats of violence)
5. Inconsistency (within and between parents)
6. Disagreeing About Discipline in front of Children
7. Treating your Children like they are Slaves (lack of reciprocity)

Some sample family rules (very abbreviated) :

Treat people and animals with respect
“No!” means “No!” Don’t ask again
You must receive parental permission before you go anywhere at anytime
No swearing or talking about inappropriate subject matter
Be on time
Setting curfews (more flexible on weekends)
Complete all daily and weekly chores on time

Family Rules is an excellent resource for parenting teens for under $30.00. Well worth it!!!

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Troubled Teen Issues

At Risk Youth

Welcome to our site! FamilyFirstAid.org is designed for parents and teens to gather information about at risk youth and teen issues. We have created pages with statistics and resources from many different sources.

Teen issues included on this site include : teen drug abuse, teenage alcoholism, teen pregnancy, disorders, and more! We also have data on various types of schools, programs, and treatment options available to parents of at risk youth. To find more information on any of these types – Use the links at the header of each page.

There are a lot of websites out there that talk about “at risk youth”, but there is no real definition that fits this term (in our opinion). We have seen people refer to inner city kids that live in poor neighborhoods as at risk youth, but are they really more at risk than any other? Drugs, alcohol, and youth violence are prominent in almost every area of the United States. Single parent homes, dysfunctional family units, and other social issues have no boundaries either. So we’ve developed this site with a little something for everyone.

Here’s our definition of an at risk youth (this is our opinion): We believe any child that grows up in this world is “At-Risk” in some way. Children will be exposed to “sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll” at a very early age. Teens will know other kids that do drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke cigarettes. Some parents will do all they can to raise their kids right – and their kids may still make poor choices. The statistics we have gathered are amazing. At risk youth can be either sex, any race, and any age. Each “group” has a different area where they are more at risk, but they are all youth at risk.

We appreciate you coming to our site to gather resources about the issues that teens face today. We hope that you can find help for your individual situation to help your child or adolescent.

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Troubled Teen Issues

Adolescent Development

An Uncharted Path

As much as we know about adolescent development based on research and studies, it is impossible to explain to a pre-teen what the experience will be like. Who can understand before it’s happened what it will mean to adjust to the hormonal changes of adolescence, feel comfortable driving a car, go to college, or fall in love with somebody?

An Emotional Roller Coaster

The emotional experience of adolescence may take a pre-teen with a well-established identity and turn him or her upside-down. The habits and self-image a child has developed may not fit, and trying to integrate new feelings, and new capabilities as well, is more challenging for some teens than for others. It really can be a time of identity crisis.

In part, a teen’s coping mechanisms will depend on those around him or her. An adolescent with a supportive family and a good set of friends, who doesn’t happen to become the target of a bully or clique, will—in general—have an easier time.

But as good as one’s support group is, experiencing, for example, a monthly cycle of hormonal changes and trying to grasp the reality that one can feel upset, not because one is “really” upset but because of one’s hormones, is bound to provide a certain amount of challenge.

Social Changes

In addition to identity issues, adolescents experience a shift from the strong family ties of early childhood to stronger peer ties, especially if they have a romantic relationship. Shifting allegiances put the teen in a new relationship to people, including those he or she has known all his or her life.

And our school structure doesn’t make it easier.

One teen going through the emotional fluctuations of early adolescence is one thing. But in the US, we pack them all together into middle schools where they are separate from the calmer influence of both those who are younger and haven’t reached that stage and those older, who have begun to develop mechanisms to handle it. In other words, we create a problem by putting early adolescents in place where everyone is comparing their own physical development to everyone else, and everyone is, at least slightly, out of control of their emotional lives.

One characterization of middle grade students mentions:

• the erratic, inconsistent behavior,

• feeling shifts between extremes of bravado on the on hand and fear and anxiety on the other,

• hormonal and chemical imbalances,

• extreme sensitivity to criticism,

• exaggeration of their own problems,

• feeling of being the only one who experiences what they experience,

• falling for dubious arguments,

• holding naïve opinions, and

• psychologically at-risk.

These characteristics can also extend beyond middle school. Is it any surprise that there are so many reports of bullying, teasing, fights, and tears among younger adolescents?

Separating the Normal Teen from the Troubled Teen

With all of these factors, it is likely that any teen will act in a disturbed or disturbing way at some point, due to one or more of these factors. A formerly respectful and loving pre-teen may talk back, call a parent names, strike a brother or sister, barricade him- or herself in his or her bedroom, stop confiding and even pretty much stop communicating, and/or break household rules (like curfews) for the first time. You may see appetite changes, sleep changes, tears, anger, and invective towards others as well as self-directed, and amazingly, this may all be within the normal bounds of adolescent development.

Especially is you are dealing with your oldest child, this can be alarming. Here are some hints that, taken along with professional opinions—such as that of your child’s teachers, guidance counselor, and pediatrician—will help you know when to get help and when to let things ride.

• First, if a child mentions, refers to, or takes any action that suggests suicide to you, get immediate help. There are suicide hotlines and other crisis lines that can help you talk your child through the situation while expert help is on the way.

• Try to ensure that your child has adults around—even if not you—in whom he or she can confide, whether an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, a minister, family friend, godparent, etc.

• If you suspect your child is engaging in any activity that is illegal or dangerous—whether damaging the property of others, using drugs or alcohol, or engaging in underage sexual activity—gather information from an expert you trust on how to identify and deal with the particular issue. Apparent signs of illicit activity could be something quite different, and an unfounded accusation could create at least a temporary barrier to trust between you and your child.

• As the characterization of middle school students indicates, students may act in uncharacteristic and even bizarre ways without anything being wrong other than the fact that adolescence is difficult. If you are concerned that there is a deeper issue, consult a professional who can offer you guidance.

If you genuinely can’t tell how bad things are, you could try telling your child how concerned you are and asking if he or she needs help.

Source

http://pubs.cde.ca.gov/tcsii/documentlibrary/characteristicsmg.aspx